success

#Relaxation #food list

Which foods are able to act as natural relaxants and anti-depressants is a question I’m often asked by clients.

CALIFORNIA WALNUT COMMISSION MEDITERRANEAN DIET — Mediterranean Diet probably is one of the best combinations of ingredients with anti-depressants properties.

To begin with, an overall balanced diet is always helpful. By that I mean a clean wholefood diet with the minimum possible amount of processed food intake. Macronutrient modulation varies and depends on factors such as your:

– activity level

– overall fitness level

– body composition

– body related goals

– lifestyle

Probably the best healthy ratio is:

– up to 20% healthy fats

– 30-40% lean protein

– 40-50% carbohydrates.

We’ll talk about an ideal macronutrients’ modulation ratio in another article in more detail.

Returning to the main topic, the following is a (non-exhaustive) list of foods with calming and relaxing properties:

1) Almost all fruits and berries: They are full of natural sugar and antioxidants. Fructose is the quickest carb (source of energy) after refined sugar, and your body will automatically feel happier and more relaxed with more sugar in the bloodstream. However, do keep in mind that if you aim to become leaner you will have to pursue a diet with a low fructose content.

2) Oily fish. Fish oil is well-known nutrient that increases the brain’s metabolism. By combining fish oil with nootropics you can easily achieve a state of calm and have a clearer mind. Book aconsultation to get a list of over-the- counter nootropics.

3) Herbal tea. A blend of mint, chamomile, artichoke and lavender is one of the best relaxation options.

4) Cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg and cacao are four spices that were historically used as natural mood lifters and relaxants. Adding a sprinkle of cinnamon in your coffee can help, or even simply inhaling their scent.

5) Chicken hearts and liver are perfect sources of essential amino acids, vitamin B, choline, inositol and Iron. This combination of nutrients is one of the most effective ‘cocktails’ for boosting the central nervous system.

6) Despite the negative publicity and misconceptions surrounding the consumption of egg yolks, the high concentration of cholesterol in them is designed by nature as a perfect source of nutrients. Rich in lecithin, vitamin B, amino acids, choline, inositol, vitamins A and E, phosphatidil serine and many more beneficial substances, egg yolks alone could provide your body with almost everything it needs. However, do not exceed the healthy allowance. Have 1-3 whole eggs a day, adding some separated egg whites if you need to increase your protein intake.

7) Now anyone with a sweet tooth can celebrate – Dark Chocolate!! Yes, having a piece or two of dark chocolate each day will definitely help your body to boost its ‘positive vibe’ hormones.

8) Have a glass of wine. Yes, and YES again!!! But only one, and make sure it’s a high quality wine. First of all, it’s an additional 75 kcal of quick energy that your body will be grateful for. Secondly, high quality wine contains a high concentration of bio-flavonoids and antioxidants.

Taken in a moderate quantities, wine can also act as a minor natural relaxant.

And remember; even if you eat healthily all the time and are a fitness fanatic, allowing your body a little bit of what you really love is always beneficial. By keeping your diet 95% clean, let’s say, you will have even better results than confining yourself to a strict regimen of traditional lean and mean boiled chicken breast, and rice and broccoli.

Enjoy your diet.

Enjoy your life.

Tatiana Dmitrieva

How to end a hurtful relationship

We often hear words like “Let it go” or “just cut him/her off”, but when it comes to actually following this advice, we’re not as good at letting things, people and situations go as we think we are. What are we afraid of?

Read also What negativity does to our life.

Ending a painful and destructive relationship is like removing a tooth that’s making you suffer. You have to be prepared to feel even worse pain after the operation, but it will ultimately recede.

I can’t compare people with teeth but… some relationships are very much like toothache: you are constantly in pain, lose your inner peace, your productivity, creativity and sense of adequacy. Mental or physical pain is always a signal that we have to take some sort of action. You should never simply change your attitude towards pain and quietly accept it. Although you can endure it for a time whilst trying to deal with the cause, but if your ‘medication’ doesn’t work then ‘surgery’ may be the best option.

Letting go of people has been always been a challenge for me. Being highly empathetic I often find myself being highly attuned to other people’s feelings, and caring deeply about them. My parents and grandparents always taught me to consider others people’s feelings before my own. I think that people with high emotional intelligence are also more susceptible to suffering from such situations and that they are therefore open to exploitation by less sensitive people. If you feel that you fall into the former category, then the following points could be useful.

Pay attention to inner discomfort.

Emotions never lie. If you feel uncomfortable with someone this may indicate that you are in a toxic relationship. However, don’t stress. Just vocalize your worries, feelings and/or doubts immediately. Don’t wait for the problem to solve itself. If the other person is overly aggressive, highly defensive or attacks you instead of looking for a mutually acceptable solution, then it’s time to leave. Don’t wait for it to become unbearable.

Do not be afraid of emptiness.

First of all, the feeling of emptiness is a good feeling. Emptiness can be space for something new, for people who will truly appreciate you, for better opportunities and for inner peace. This empty space could be vacant for some time, but that’s ok! Don’t rush to fill it. Look around, try to spend more time with your inner child, listen what she is talking about, do something nice for her. I’m sure you will find plenty of things you have always wanted to do but never had time. You won’t believe how wonderful that time of ‘emptiness’ can be if you reinterpret it as time for yourself.

Cut! Cut and go!

Don’t be afraid hurting people if they were not afraid hurting you? Stop pretending that you’re Mother Teresa. Just cut those people off! Stay polite and respectful and explain your position if you feel like it, but don’t back away from the decision. Be ready to endure one last blast of pain. Be ready for the fact that some people might be aggressive. Don’t take anything personally, and remember that severing ties with the wrong people is like removing an unhealthy tooth: you experience extreme pain, and then relief…

Big love and peace x

Tatiana Dmitrieva

Why we have to be grateful for bad things

Being grateful for bad things too actually eliminate bad things as class from your life. They become things to be grateful for: lessons, freedom, understanding, and acceptance.

Gratitude is one of the fundamental principles of spiritual practice. But while it’s easy to be grateful for good things, what about bad ones? Many spiritual books and gurus tell us that we should be grateful even for the hurtful things in life. Many psychoanalysts and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy practitioners also strongly advocate the benefits of maintaining a positive attitude and outlook when undergoing painful situations.

Have you ever noticed that everything happens for a reason? Very often negative events bring something really positive into our lives. I’ll give you a couple of examples from my personal life-journey. At one point my job application was refused because the level of my English didn’t satisfy my potential employer. I had to survive without an income for eight months and really struggled to make ends meet. That was a tough time, but being rejected actually incentivized me into learning English properly. 8 years later I moved to London, and succeeded in gaining postgraduate degrees from two top UK universities and graduated from a first class university in the United States. The entire curriculum was, of course, in English. Looking back at my experiences, I am grateful to the person who initially binned my application, an experience which drove me to improve myself.

There are plenty of examples of why we should be grateful for sad events in our lives. I’m pretty sure each of you have experienced something similar in the past, and you’ll know that the most painful time is the period immediately after the event. It is very important to be consciously present at this moment in time, and interpret the things that are happening to you in the right way. Being depressed is extremely counter-productive, and negativity merely attracts more negativity.

Here are few examples of ways in which we should try to react, in order to maintain our serenity, reflect gratitude and radiate positivity:

Stay ridiculously positive

Imagine that the person you’re in love with suddenly changes. Those sweet jokes, positive vibes, generosity, compassion, and appreciation are gone for no apparent reason. Be grateful! He or she has revealed their true self. Don’t dwell on the past, and remember that it was all a sham. Just move on: There’s no need to figure out what happened. Just be grateful to this person for emptying space in your life for someone truly amazing.

Your lover finishes the relationship, and there’s that awful feeling of emptiness…. Actually, you know what? Be grateful again! One who does not appreciate your company does not deserve to be next to you. Let them go. Probably your real friend, true love or partner is waiting for you around the corner, but doesn’t have the space to walk into your life.

Your business fails… Be grateful! Most likely, it was not the right thing for you, or not the right time. In any case, you are free to embark on new ventures. Every new start brings new opportunities, new inspirations, and new people into your life. Don’t miss these opportunities.

You lose money… Be grateful that someone took it. First of all, you made somebody’s life a bit better. Accept it as karmic: All good deeds will definitely pay off. Secondly, view the financial loss as a tax on your future happiness, health and wellbeing.

You break your leg… That’s shitty, but I would still encourage you to be grateful! You won’t be able to run for a while but you will have some free time to accomplish other things that you always wanted. Start learning a new language, read books from your reading list, go to art classes…

You’re treated poorly… Be grateful! Firstly, remember the old adage that what goes around comes around. Your karma will benefit from the experience. Secondly, you’ll be reminded of what you appreciate in those people who treat you properly. And finally, you’ll learn what you shouldn’t do to others.

So my dear friends, what are the three bad things you are grateful for today?

Tatiana Dmitrieva

What negativity does to you life

Negative thinking and subsequent emotions are probably two of our worst enemies, and not just because we are feeling down, frustrated or overwhelmed with negativity… What impact can these thoughts have? Here’s a rundown of their terrible effect on our lives. They:

Also read How and why to meditate. Simple techniques to start your mindful journey, and Being an Empath. Top 10 Traits

Kill productivity

Can you fully concentrate on the present moment when you’re overwhelmed by worry, fear, emotional pain or other negative emotions? I didn’t think so! You can’t be productive without completely focusing on what you do. You are ‘doing your thing’ but at the same time you’re not really there; your brain is gummed up with negativity. You could be stuck in this rut for hours, days or even months. In some extreme cases, people can’t escape this damaging cycle for years. It is well-established that we, as human beings, are incapable of engaging our full concentration on more than one thing at a time; if you are doing more than one thing at once, you’re already not 100% focused. Your attention is diluted. Very often, negative thoughts completely dominate us. What happens next? We lose our connection with reality, and as a result, experience a drop in productivity.

Supress creativity

When we do this it is impossible to be fully creative, and we carry out tasks on auto-pilot. We become remote, detached and mentally disconnected from our surroundings. What could we make without creativity? You’ve got it – nothing of real value. I haven’t even touched the topics of inspiration or motivation, which vanish instantly when ‘bad’ thoughts emerge. Passions are supressed, and the fire of life is doused by a flood of painful memories and negative thoughts.

Activate fears

As we dwell on those negative things in our lives we increasingly fear the uncertainties of the future, and consequently our levels of anxiety rise. Negativity has regenerative characteristics: We think it’s conquered, but it can quickly take root again with only the slightest of triggers. It can also grow with astonishing rapidity, overwhelming us almost without warning. Memories of old grievances, lost opportunities, frustrating and anger-inducing situations and people who have, in some way, abused us, may all form part of the dismal mental fog in which we find ourselves, and which distorts our perception of ourselves and the world around us.

Our brain becomes locked into a sort of confirmation bias, in which we only see the negative things which happen around us and use those selective events to reinforce our world-view. It is a self-perpetuating cycle which can turn our world into a personal hell full of imaginary monsters and personal demons. Always try to remember that the ‘reality’ we perceive at these times is a fiction, created by our mind when drugged with negativity.

Affect your vibrations

How do you feel when constantly surrounded by abusive people, unfairness and cruelty? I imagine that the answer is “miserable”. Always keep in mind that your feelings determine the energy (vibrations) you radiate. As soon as you start feeling dejected and apathetic, other people will sense your vibrations and treat you accordingly. I knew one talented young man who was always unfairly treated by his colleagues and peers. Their behaviour toward other people was completely different, however; something he was constantly aware of. Finally, he was fired with no explanation and a few days later his girlfriend left him. When I asked him why it happened his answer was simply, “Those people are stupid”. It was difficult to believe his argument that absolutely everybody around him was both foolish and blind, and didn’t see his amazing qualities and personality. That young man was, in fact, vibrating on a very aggressive and arrogant frequency, which people picked up on. It was for that reason that they distanced themselves from him, partly as a protective mechanism. Why was he aggressive? Probably because of his past fears and anxieties. He tried to hide his internal insecurities behind scorn and criticism, adopting a position of ‘attack is the best form of defence’.

The moral? You get exactly what you give.

Affect communicative skills

You cannot interact with others productively when vibrating, let’s say, on a frequency of fear or anger. Even if you mask your true feelings with a friendly smile and polite demeanour, people will sense your vibration anyway. Moreover, sugar-coated negativity always tastes even worse. Can you imagine a piece of rotten fish coated with the finest Swiss chocolate? Both start smelling awful, don’t they?

Hold you from achieving your goals

Summarising all of the above points, negativity holds you back from achieving your goals, rendering you unable to fully concentrate, express creativity, and properly interact with other people in a truly friendly and collaborative way. Negativity generates ever more negativity, leading to a vicious circle which can have a devastating impact on our quality of life.

By increasing your levels of self-awareness, and through perseverance, you can break out of that circle. Try starting today.

Tatiana Dmitrieva

How and why to meditate. Simple techniques to start your mindful journey

There are an abundance of meditative techniques out there, ranging from ancient Buddhist practices to the latest theories of mindfulness. At heart, they share the aim of preventing the meditator from becoming locked in compulsive thinking patterns, in large part by encouraging them to fully focus on ONE particular thing at a time. This could entail simply concentrating on the present moment, or contemplating a sacred Mandala, listening to mantras, or even (as was the case with me) having a kiteboarding lesson. You can use traditional authentic techniques or create your own way to meditate – whichever best works for you. There are no rules, and everything is possible and permissible.

Our minds constantly oscillate between the past and future, and we are rarely fully present at any given moment. Even when trying to do yoga, or to meditate, we often slip into involuntary thinking patterns. Meditation is about achieving a mental stillness, about calming the mind for a period of time and creating a specific mental space. We need that quiet space to unwind, heal and recover, and to be able to create or perceive new things.

Also read Kiteaboarding as conscious evolution. Another view

How to declutter your mind

How to cope with information overload

Best time

You can meditate whenever you feel you need it – sometimes just 10-15 minutes is sufficient. It’s widely believed, however, that the optimal time (the ‘sacred period’) to meditate is when you wake up or go to bed. Morning meditation is a perfect way to start your day in the right mode, but do not confuse it with planning your day. Try to completely avoid thinking during the meditation time, clearing your mind of distracting or unnecessary thoughts. Evening meditation is a great way to unwind after a hard day before you sleep. You can also practice short “time-in” whenever you feel you need it. I meditate like this while I’m on public transport, or even during my morning run. Evening workout in the gym could also be a good time.

How to start

The idea of spending between ten to thirty minutes without thinking may sound easy, but it takes practice to truly master. How, then, can this be achieved? You can start by focusing your attention on your body. Try to feel each part of your body separately: your legs, arms and other extremities. Then switch your attention to your breathing, or try to feel the energy which flows through your body. Try to go beyond the physical, following your stream of inner energy: Don’t be afraid, just trust the journey and go with the flow. At the end of the meditation think about those ‘greater’ goals in your life, such as being kind, loving, grateful, compassionate and so on. Everyone has his or her own set of personal goals.

Practicing giving-receiving and gratitude

My current goal, for example, is to learn how to receive love, help and goodwill, and to generally be grateful for everything that comes into – and leaves – my life.

Since I am naturally a giving person, I know how to love and how to help. However I have always struggled with receiving. Psychologists believe that those who have difficulty with receiving may have deep-rooted trust, acceptance and/or self-acceptance issues. When you only give and are not open to receiving, you initially become rapidly drained, and then start to appreciate other people less. Such an imbalance could be harmful to your relationships. People around you invariably feel that they are underappreciated, and it’s painful for them and for you. That’s why it’s important to be able to give and receive at the same time.

Take a moment to think about your life goals. Perhaps your past brings back painful memories and prevents you from truly opening your heart to show your true self and feelings. Or perhaps, conversely, you actually give too much, and don’t leave space for your relationships to grow and develop naturally. It’s a very personal journey and all of us have certain things to work on.

a very personal journey and all of us have certain things to work on.

Touch your soul

Try to feel, see and talk to your soul. This probably sounds weird, but try it anyway. Eckhart Tolle, the author of the bestseller The Power of Now, describes this meditation technique perfectly. Try to see, feel and fully focus on your ‘inner body’ (i.e. your soul). It can take time to become comfortable practicing this technique. When I tried it, I found it to be a very relaxing and mind-clearing experience. Advanced yoga and meditation practitioners can further extend this technique by switching the focus of their attention from observing the soul to watching how it’s connected to the Universe. Some practitioners are able to get incredible insights during such deep meditations. Try and share what you think.

Music as a key to the door

Some people believe that ‘authentic’ meditation should only be performed in silence. It is completely up to you. I practice both ways: Listening to sounds of nature may be the best way to replenish your stocks of energy. However, hectic urban life often doesn’t afford us the opportunity to escape to a remote beach or a rural forest for an hour or two. In this case music can act as a key to open the ‘sacred door’ to the soul. Try various things, and choose what works for you the best: authentic mantras, classical music or your favourite jazz band.

Breath of life

If you haven’t decided how to start yet – try breathing. It is the easiest technique. Just breathe deeply. Inhale – exhale – and then feel the natural pause before you inhale again. Try to concentrate on your breathing, feeling how your body rises and falls. Sense the smell and taste of the air. Next, try to feel how every inhaled breath fills your body with crystal-clear Universal energy and how, when you exhale, all your worries, anxieties and fears exit your body. Repeat this breathing cycle exercise until you start feeling relaxed and reenergized.

4 elements meditation

Another way to meditate is to connect with the four elements: water, fire, air, and earth…. Interact with them one after another, fully concentrating on all the bodily feelings you will have. Start off by meditating for 5-10 minutes and then gradually extend this time. Remember, all four elements have their own energy, which you can absorb if you are open enough.

The ancient Greeks believed that Air/Wind gives us mental strength and the ability to think clearly and lucidly; that’s why it’s highly recommended to spend some time outside daily. It is precisely because of this elemental quality that, when we’re planning to take a walk, we say things like: “I have to refresh my mind”.

Water gives us flexibility, the ability to transform, and teaches us how to be more compassionate, understanding and loving. It also removes those negative energies we accumulate on an average day. To connect with water is the easiest task: just drink some (possibly while repeating positive affirmations) or take a bath.

Fire is materialized energy itself. It is warming, protective and in the same time tempering. Just put your palm next to a candle and try to absorb its energy, letting it flow through your body.

Finally, earth grounds us and imparts a feeling of stability and wellbeing. If you have the chance to walk barefoot on the ground – feeling the earth beneath your feet – fantastic. Obviously it’s pretty difficult to do so in a town or city, so just walk barefoot at home and try to imagine how the energy of the earth flows through your body, filling it with a sense of stability.

Plants are the creatures of earth. Bring flowers into your household and they will keep you connected to the fourth element. It is sometimes enough to simply smell, touch or observe them from time to time.

Good luck

Tatiana Dmitrieva

5 Simple Tips to Turn Around a Bad Mood Fast

As a therapist who talks and writes about mental strength, I often hear people say things like, “I can’t control my emotions.” Occasionally, readers will even make comments like, “You shouldn’t try to control your emotions. It’s not good for you.”

Also read How to declutter your mind,

8 Questions To Ask Yourself To Feel Better,

Kiteboarding as a spiritual practice: Zen, mindfulness, universal rules of being

But it appears that people who make that assumption are confusing emotion regulation with suppression—and they’re not the same thing. Just because you wake up grumpy doesn’t mean you have to stay in a bad mood. And just because you’re nervous about something doesn’t mean you can’t calm yourself down.

What Is Emotion Regulation?

We all experience moments when our emotions control our actions. When this happens, we often regret the things we say or do and wish we had been able to keep our emotions in check. There are techniques—like meditation—that can allow you to do just that, along with various other benefits, like mood improvement and increased compassion and empathy.

Regulating your emotions is about choosing to take charge of how you feel. That doesn’t mean you should force yourself to be happy all the time. In fact, research shows that forcing yourself to feel happy all the time backfires. But it does mean that you can make choices to boost your mood when you’re down or calm yourself when you’re upset.

Here are five skills that can help change how you feel:

1. Distraction (Keeping busy)

Studies show that distraction is the best way to cope with stress. The more you think upsetting thoughts, the worse you’ll feel. So rather than rehash that mean thing your spouse said, or worry about that stressful meeting tomorrow, distract yourself with an activity: Listen to music, go for a walk, or do whatever you can to change the channel in your brain.

Do any activity which requires full concentration on the present moment. It is extremely beneficial thing and not only because it could shift your mood in a positive way but also because it helps keeping things done.

Being an Empath. Top 10 Traits

The trademark of an empath is that they feel and absorb other people’s emotions and/or physical symptoms because of their high sensitivities. They filter the world through their intuition and have a difficult time intellectualizing their feelings.

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As a psychiatrist and empath myself, I know the challenges of being a highly sensitive person. When overwhelmed with the impact of stressful emotions, empaths can have panic attacks, depression, chronic fatigue, food, sex and drug binges, and many physical symptoms that defy traditional medical diagnosis.

But an empath doesn’t have to feel too much and be overloaded once they learn how to center themselves. The first step is to acknowledge that you are an empath. Here are the top 10 traits of an empath from Judith Orloff M.D. book on how to achieve emotional freedom. See if you can relate to them.

1. Empaths are highly sensitive
Empaths are naturally giving, spiritually open, and good listeners. If you want heart, empaths have got it. Through thick and thin, they’re there for you, world-class nurturers. But they can easily have their feelings hurt. Empaths are often told that they are “too sensitive” and need to toughen up.

2. Empaths absorb other people’s emotions
Empaths are highly attuned to other people’s moods, good and bad. They feel everything, sometimes to an extreme. They take on negativity such as anger or anxiety which is exhausting. If they are around peace and love, their bodies take these on and flourish.

3. Many empaths are introverted
Empaths become overwhelmed in crowds, which can amplify their empathy. They tend to be introverted and prefer one to one contact or small groups. Even if an empath is more extroverted they prefer limiting how much time they can be in a crowd or at a party.

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4. Empaths are highly intuitive
Empaths experience the world through their intuition. It is important for them to develop their intuition and listen to their gut feelings about people. This will help empaths find positive relationships and avoid energy vampires. Read How to Develop Your Intuition to learn more.

5. Empaths need alone time
As super-responders, being around people can drain an empath so they periodically need alone time to recharge their batteries. Even a brief escape prevents emotionally overload. Empaths like to take their own cars when they go places so they can leave when they please.

6. Empaths can become overwhelmed in intimate relationships
Too much togetherness can be difficult for an empath so they may avoid intimate relationships. Deep down they are afraid of being engulfed and losing their identity. For empaths to be at ease in a relationship, the traditional paradigm for being a couple must be re-defined. For strategies see my article Secrets for Sensitive People: Why Empaths Stay Lonely.

7. Empaths are targets for energy vampires
An empath’s sensitivity makes them particularly easy marks for energy vampires, whose fear or rage can sap their energy and peace of mind. Vampires do more than drain an empath’s physical energy. The especially dangerous ones such as narcissists (they lack empathy and are only concerned with themselves) can make them believe they’re unworthy and unlovable. Other vampires include The Victim, The Chronic Talker, The Drama Queen and more. To help you deal with the drainers in your life read 4 Strategies to Survive Emotional Vampires.

8. Empaths become replenished in nature
The busyness of ever day life can be too much for an empath. The natural world nourishes and restores them. It helps them to release their burdens and they take refuge in the presence of green wild things, the ocean or other bodies of water.

9. Empaths have highly tuned senses
An empath’s nerves can get frayed by noise, smells, or excessive talking.

10. Empaths have huge hearts but sometimes give too much
Empaths are big-hearted people and try to relieve the pain of others. A homeless person holding a cardboard sign, “I’m hungry” at a busy intersection; a hurt child; a distraught friend. It’s natural to want to reach out to them, ease their pain. But empaths don’t stop there. Instead, they take it on. Suddenly they’re the one feeling drained or upset when they felt fine before.

As an empath myself, I use many strategies to protect my sensitivities such as fierce time management, setting limits and boundaries with draining people, meditation to calm and center myself, and going out into nature. Being an empath is a gift in my life but I had to learn to take care of myself. Empaths have special needs. It’s important to honor yours and communicate them to loved ones.

Judith Orloff M.D.

Source:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-freedom/201602/top-10-traits-empath

6 Ways to Reduce Social Anxiety

“Social anxiety is the third most common psychological disorder, right after the granddaddies of depression and alcoholism. Fully 13% of people meet criteria for diagnosable social anxiety disorder, and a whopping 90% of people say they are or were shy at some point in their life. The good news? Social anxiety is changeable. Start with these 6 tips—test them out one at a time and see what sticks. And yes, these are drops in the bucket, but do them over and over and you’ll fill your bucket to the brim with bravery.

1) Play “Worry Mismatch.” Anticipating a worrisome social situation is almost always worse than the actual event. For example, after dreading the company holiday party for weeks, it may actually be a relief to walk through the door, and—surprise—it may not be as horrifying as you anticipated. Your brain is wired to keep you safe from danger and rejection, but sometimes it can go overboard and jump to the worst-case scenario. So it’s important to learn that the alarm bells before a social situation are usually louder than necessary.

Try this experiment: The next time you reluctantly attend a party, have to speak in class or a meeting, or work up the courage to do something you usually avoid, contrast your expectations with the actual experience. Think of what you’re worried about (“No one will understand what I’m saying and then I’ll turn bright red”) and then afterward, ask yourself if that’s what actually happened (“One guy said ‘what?’ twice, but otherwise everyone seemed like they could hear me—plus it was loud so I couldn’t hear perfectly, either.”)

Our brains are great at coming up with potential catastrophes (“Nobody will talk to me!”), but they seldom play out in reality (“I stood around by myself for a few minutes, but then that guy from HR struck up a conversation I actually enjoyed.”) Simply realizing your alarm bells are set too loud may be a consolation the next time they go off.

2) Volunteer to host or play a role.

If suffering through a big family wedding, for example, makes you want to hide under the buffet table, ask whomever is in charge how you can help make things run smoothly. Oftentimes, social awkwardness is alleviated by having a defined role. Asking attendees to sign the guest book gives you a reason to circulate. Rounding up groups for photos provides you purpose. Playing a role allows you to practice approaching people, practice having eyes on you, and practice making requests. Invariably, this practice buildsconfidence. When you’re ready—whether in a few hours or a few decades—you can transition to the ultimate role: yourself.

3) Push yourself. . . a little.

Both parts of this tip are important. For instance, if you’re a socially anxious student, you might push yourself by asking a question in class. However, start small. Push yourself a little by first asking the TA a question after class, then asking the professor a question after class, then asking a question in an informal exam review, then in a 10-person seminar, and finally in a 100-person lecture. Inch into the water slowly; you don’t have to do a cannonball.

4) Ask questions.

Many people feel awkward in social situations because they feel they have nothing to say. One helpful technique is to ask open-ended questions (“So how did you two meet?” or “I’ve been thinking of taking that course—how do you like that professor?”) or ask advice (“I’ve got a few vacation days to burn—I need a good weekend getaway,” or “I just abandoned a terrible book—I need another one. Any suggestions?”) Then, based on the answer, ask another question that takes the conversation deeper. Many people are delighted to talk about their lives and experiences and will thank you for the chance.

5) Keep showing up.

Despite what you see onFacebook, the average American only has two true friends and almost one in four find themselves without a social circle at all. If you’re starting from scratch, have hope and take heart knowing you’re not, well, alone. Wondering where to start? Think about what you like to do. If you’re stumped, think about what you liked to do as a kid. Then, based on your answers, plug yourself into a small, recurring group with the same people—not a one-shot event or huge city festival.

Did you love to draw? Take a semester-long art class. Run? Join a community running club and attend the Tuesday evening runs religiously. Read about dinosaurs? Volunteer at the local museum, preferably on a shift with the same co-volunteers. The most important part is to keep showing up. Commit for at least a season, even if you’re tempted to throw in the towel earlier.

6) Do the strong thing and seek help.

If you’re ready for a change, a good cognitive-behavioral therapist can help you face your fears slowly and safely. In a nutshell, he or she will ask you to construct a hierarchy of things you avoid, from easiest to break-a-sweat hardest. Next, you’ll work through them gradually, only moving on to the next level when you’re ready.

Social anxiety gets in the way of living your life, but with time, practice, and a willingness to push yourself, you can achieve the ultimate: being comfortable in your own skin.”

Sources:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/how-be-yourself/201605/6-quick-ways-ease-your-social-anxiety

https://rennickeassociates.wordpress.com/2016/05/19/6-ways-to-reduce-social-anxiety/

Your peers affect your IQ

If you want to get brighter, only mix with the brightest, or suffer the consequences

That’s according to Professor James Flynn, who was once considered controversial because of his research which suggested that people were getting more intelligent each generation – the Flynn Effect.

In his new book “Does your family make you smarter” he proposes that intelligence, rather than plateauing at 18 years of age, can increase throughout adulthood, providing you have a stimulating lifestyle.

Households where people talk, challenge, joke and share cultural pastimes can boost the IQ of family members by several points. And workplaces that impose intellectual challenges on staff can over time raise their individual intelligence.

The opposite is also true. People who share a home or workplace with dullards for any length of time risk seeing their IQ enter a sharp decline because of lack of stimulation.

Flynn also says

Intelligence has always been thought to be static … the new evidence shows that this is wrong. The brain seems to be rather like a muscle – the more you use it, the stronger it gets. That means you can upgrade your intelligence during your lifetime

He suggests the best way to improve your IQ is to marry someone smarter than you, find an intellectually stimulating job, and hang out with bright friends.

Up to now we’ve believed that intelligence is controlled by genes influenced by our nutrition and environment up to age 18 when it stabilises.

Flynn’s research took 65 years of IQ tests from the US and correlating the results with the age of the people creating IQ age tables. From these he draws two conclusions. The cognitive quality of a family alters the IQ of all members but especially children i.e. it can lift them or hold them back.

For example a bright child of 10 with siblings of average intelligence will suffer on average a 5-10 point IQ disadvantage compared to a similar child with equally bright brothers and sisters. A child with a lower IQ can gain 6-8 points by having brighter siblings and educational support…

He also believes, based on this research, that although genetics and early life experience determine about 80% of intelligence the rest is strongly linked to our lifestyle as adults.

As you leave childhood behind the legacy of your family diminishes but the game is not over. A large proportion of your cognitive quality is now in your own hands. You can change it yourself and your IQ can vary through life according to your own efforts… Going through life feeling your childhood is holding you back is misunderstanding how much power you have to improve yourself

says Flynn.

In 2011 researchers at the University of Pennsylvania said that they found that high IQ scores are a result of high intelligence plus motivation whereas low IQ scores could be because of the lack of either intelligence or motivation (published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences).

Research in Scotland found that people with mentally stimulating jobs suffered less cognitive decline as they got older.

And recently researchers at the University of Texas found that busy over-50s had higher cognitive scores than younger people.

Experts in emotional intelligence have long held that EI, unlike IQ, continues to develop into adulthood. Now it seems we have the capacity to develop both our cognitive and socio-emotional skills.

Source:

http://bizpsycho.com/2016/06/01/if-you-want-to-get-brighter-only-mix-with-the-brightest-or-suffer-the-consequences/

Kiteboarding as a spiritual practice: Zen, mindfulness, universal rules of being

I first tried kiteboarding in May 2016, so I’m actually something of a novice at this sport. But being a beginner has its advantages: When you try something completely new, you’re fully focused on what you’re doing. You could say that you’re 100% present in the moment, and this heightened, intense state is precisely when all profound spiritual moments occur.

Every second, every breath, every tiny sensation that your body experiences becomes so much more spiritual. It’s not simply a matter of novelty, or the fact that you are locked in a state of deep concentration. Kiteboarding itself is all about life. The guidance for manipulating the kite brought to mind those universal truths and rules for life described in the Bible, Buddhist texts, the Kabbala, and many other spiritual books that I’ve read.

This topic merits a series of articles. While the topic of kiteboarding is in itself interesting, one of the central missions of this portal is to help you, the reader, to explore new things in life. This is not simply a matter of physical experience, but of spiritual development. ‘Being present’, a concept also explored elsewhere on this site, is a key to opening your mind – and soul – to the unknown, the unexpected and the wondrous.

To kick off this series, this brief article sums up a few of my ‘spiritual takeaways’ from my very first kiteboarding lessons.

When we’re confronted with the unexpected, whether a strong blast of wind or stress in life, we instinctively try to increase our level of control over the situation… It’s a completely normal mental reaction. To a degree, we’re all control freaks, but does fanatically trying to assert our authority over a situation actually help?

Kiteboarding taught me to let go: Allow the situation unfold, and observe before trying to change anything. The Universe will help you to accomplish you task, or at least will save you from broken arms, legs, ribs and heart….
No need to rush. You will achieve what you want to if you keep doing it, but do it slowly; one step and one breath at a time.
No matter what you planned, you will reach the right level when it’s meant to be. Not earlier, not later. My advice? Stay calm and keep doing what you’re doing.
Slow down all your movements, and decisions, but always be ahead of the kite in your mind. Substitute ‘kite’ for ‘project’, and you can see my point!
You can choose a direction, but you can’t predict how exactly the movement will be executed. The wind could change any time, and you have to be agile enough to respond to its capriciousness. In kiteboarding you have to be consciously present 100% of the time, and this is hugely important in other areas of life too. Fretting about uncertainty is both wasteful and dangerous. Save your energy for the moves you need to make, and don’t expend it on worrying. Learn to ‘go with the flow’, but gently steer yourself in the right general direction.
I was instructed not to over-tense my hands when steering the kite. Similarly, try not to over-think, worry too much, or micro-manage. These are all a waste of energy, and time.
The kite and wind will do everything for you, if you just stop fighting it. The lesson here is to work with the powerful forces that you encounter in life, rather than against them: Do this successfully, and you will fly.
Finally, when kiteboarding I had to be highly attentive to the other kiters’ around me. Likewise, when interacting with people in life or in business, try to coordinate, collaborate and communicate. Competition could easily kill both parties.

These are just a few life lessons that I drew from my first kiteboarding experience.

What do you think?