relatioships

How to end a hurtful relationship

We often hear words like “Let it go” or “just cut him/her off”, but when it comes to actually following this advice, we’re not as good at letting things, people and situations go as we think we are. What are we afraid of?

Read also What negativity does to our life.

Ending a painful and destructive relationship is like removing a tooth that’s making you suffer. You have to be prepared to feel even worse pain after the operation, but it will ultimately recede.

I can’t compare people with teeth but… some relationships are very much like toothache: you are constantly in pain, lose your inner peace, your productivity, creativity and sense of adequacy. Mental or physical pain is always a signal that we have to take some sort of action. You should never simply change your attitude towards pain and quietly accept it. Although you can endure it for a time whilst trying to deal with the cause, but if your ‘medication’ doesn’t work then ‘surgery’ may be the best option.

Letting go of people has been always been a challenge for me. Being highly empathetic I often find myself being highly attuned to other people’s feelings, and caring deeply about them. My parents and grandparents always taught me to consider others people’s feelings before my own. I think that people with high emotional intelligence are also more susceptible to suffering from such situations and that they are therefore open to exploitation by less sensitive people. If you feel that you fall into the former category, then the following points could be useful.

Pay attention to inner discomfort.

Emotions never lie. If you feel uncomfortable with someone this may indicate that you are in a toxic relationship. However, don’t stress. Just vocalize your worries, feelings and/or doubts immediately. Don’t wait for the problem to solve itself. If the other person is overly aggressive, highly defensive or attacks you instead of looking for a mutually acceptable solution, then it’s time to leave. Don’t wait for it to become unbearable.

Do not be afraid of emptiness.

First of all, the feeling of emptiness is a good feeling. Emptiness can be space for something new, for people who will truly appreciate you, for better opportunities and for inner peace. This empty space could be vacant for some time, but that’s ok! Don’t rush to fill it. Look around, try to spend more time with your inner child, listen what she is talking about, do something nice for her. I’m sure you will find plenty of things you have always wanted to do but never had time. You won’t believe how wonderful that time of ‘emptiness’ can be if you reinterpret it as time for yourself.

Cut! Cut and go!

Don’t be afraid hurting people if they were not afraid hurting you? Stop pretending that you’re Mother Teresa. Just cut those people off! Stay polite and respectful and explain your position if you feel like it, but don’t back away from the decision. Be ready to endure one last blast of pain. Be ready for the fact that some people might be aggressive. Don’t take anything personally, and remember that severing ties with the wrong people is like removing an unhealthy tooth: you experience extreme pain, and then relief…

Big love and peace x

Tatiana Dmitrieva

Putting yourself first: Why YOU should be a priority

Being nice to other people is great, but you can’t please everyone. Being willing and able to give a helping hand to others is a fantastic personal quality, but don’t delude yourself. If you don’t take care of yourself, nobody will. It should always be your first and foremost responsibility. Make yourself a priority. Believe me, it’s not selfishness – it’s a necessity!

In this short article I will outline four key reasons why you ALWAYS have to put yourself first, and what particular steps should be taken to do so.

I’ve been working with people for 16 years. Unfortunately, I’ve heard too many sad personal stories from burned-out and deeply depressed altruistic, kind and open people who helped others too much without even the slightest appreciation. I’ve heard even more stories about broken relationships when one partner always put other partner’s feelings over his/her own. Every story is unique, but all of them have one thing in common: when you neglect your own feelings and interests, people start taking you for granted.

There is a simple explanation for that phenomenon. First of all, neglecting your own feelings, you assume the position of ‘less valuable person’. People detect this vibe and start neglecting your interests and feelings too. In essence, people always treat you as you treat yourself. Note that what’s important is what you feel but not what you think about yourself. There is a huge difference between these two dimensions of self-awareness; you can encourage yourself with uplifting thoughts, such as: “I deserve the best”, “I’m clever and attractive”, or “People respect me as a professional” – but ultimately this is just noise. What you really feel is what really matters.

Neglecting your own feelings, you assume the position of ‘less valuable person’. People detect this vibe and start neglecting your interests and feelings too.

What should you do to change the pattern? A good therapist or high performance coach could be helpful. Here are no short cuts, I’m afraid. However,

the solution of every problem starts from a conscious acknowledgement of why you have to do certain things.

So, here’s why you should always put your own feelings first:

It’s important for your health

It’s simple: if you neglect your feelings you become stressed. You may be a “people person” and really enjoy helping others, but stress and burnout will ensue if you are always relegating your feelings and interests to the back of the queue. As a result your stress hormones will increase, your body will stop functioning properly and you’ll get sick. You might feel tired, fatigued, demotivated and even develop a serious condition such as hormonal imbalances, digestion problems, weight gain, sleep deprivation, depression, and so on.

It’s important for your relationships

When you always elevate your partner’s feelings and interests over your own, and give more than get back, you will not only start appreciating him or her less but also be constantly exhausted, drained or, conversely, overwhelmed and have a sense of being unfairly treated. Those bitter feelings could utterly destroy your relationship.

So, take time for yourself if you need it. Rest well, and come back to your loved one fresh and happy. If you are permanently overworked and have no energy to spend quality time with your partner, then explain your situation, skip a date or two, recharge yourself, and ask your partner for help.

If you get a lot of superficial and useless advice instead of solid actions I reckon it’s time to accept the fact that the person you are with is not your real ‘partner in crime’. Remember, partners take responsibilities and should not only share the good times with you, but also the hard work and tough periods in your life.

Here I’d like to add a few words about gender-related differences: Even though modern society actively supports the idea of equality of the sexes, we are not the same. Our bodies and hormones are different and as a result our contributions to a relationship are not the same either.

This is a broad and complex topic which I intend to tackle in a future article.

Watch this amazing talk about gender differences and relationships by John Gray (the author of best-seller Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tSi00H4f8Fs

It’s important for your career and self-realisation

Logically, if you’re stressed and tired and feel useless and demotivated, you can’t be productive and creative in your daily job. Constantly trying to please your co-workers and business partners is a certain route to self-destruction. Put your own needs first.

Interact and collaborate by all means, but don’t allow work to be piled on your shoulders just because you are “that nice guy”.

You can – and must – limit your tasks. You also have the right to rest and holidays. Don’t forget about these simple things, as overwork reduces your productivity and could affect the overall team’s results. Putting your feelings and health first is not selfish it’s highly beneficial for the whole team.

It’s important for this World

Spiritually speaking, all of us are responsible for those energies we transmit to the World. When we are on our best form we contribute more to society. On the other hand,

by transmitting misery, apathy, anger or a sense of victimhood, we multiply those low feelings poisoning the space around us.

It’s important to assume responsibility for our shared wellness, and always take care of yourself and protect your interests. The more balanced and happy people there are around, the happier and more harmonious our lives will be.

Tatiana Dmitrieva

Why you can not Get a Good Sleep in Someone Else’s Bed

Half of your brain may be staying awake to keep watch when you sleep in someone else’s bed…

Whether you’re staying in a hotel or having a sleepover, you never sleep quite as well on a bed that’s not your own.
That’s an observable fact. When scientists have people sleep in a lab for an experiment, they often toss out the first night of data because people sleep so poorly. But before now, they haven’t known why.
In a small new study published in Current Biology, researchers from Brown University found out what goes on in the brain when a person sleeps in an unfamiliar place. They measured brain activity during the deep sleep of 35 young, healthy people.

The researchers found evidence that something unique indeed goes on in the brain during the first night: one hemisphere of the brain, the left, shows wakefulness while the other shows sleep.

This alertness during sleep in half of the brain has been observed in other animals—including whales, dolphins and birds—and is thought to act as a kind of night watch.

“The environment is so new to us, we might need a surveillance system so we can monitor the surroundings and we can detect anything unusual,”

says Masako Tamaki, one of the authors of the study and research associate at the Laboratory for Cognitive and Perceptual Learning at Brown University.

We’re most vulnerable when we’re asleep, in other words, and by staying partially awake, our brains might be trying to protect us.

Our brain remain active when we sleep. researchers also found that when they outfitted the people in the study with earphones, the left side showed a larger brain response to high-pitched sounds than the right—suggesting more vigilance in that hemisphere.

The study raises a lot of unanswered questions; researchers don’t yet know why they saw this effect in the left hemisphere and not the right. But interestingly, both of these asymmetries only occurred on the first night—something to keep in mind the next time you can’t fall asleep in a strange place.

Source: Time

https://scitechafrica.wordpress.com/2016/04/24/reason-you-cannot-get-a-good-sleep-in-someone-elses-bed/